What do you really expect from a programme called That’s Showbusiness?

Salacious gossip hot off the Hollywood grapevine? Two minutes with Marlon Brando basking – au naturel – on a beach in Tahiti? A satellite link to Pamela Anderson’s patio to peek in the crib of her cigar-wielding baby?

Now I know that’s a lot to ask for, and realistically no TV producer could secure it.

But the title That’s Showbusiness in the schedules suggests a show with a measure of glitz, glamour and movies in the making.

Alas this is not so. That’s Showbusiness (BBC1) is a second-rate entertainment quiz for B-list celebrities hosted by the nauseatingly nice Mike Smith.

The rule that applies to book covers also appears to govern TV shows, so never prejudge anything other than the Nine O’Clock News, which reliably lives up to its name.

But, seeing that I sat through it, let’s look awhile at the show, which this week had Adam Woodyatt, better known as Ian Beale in EastEnders and an unknown Swedish presenter called Babben battling it out against Tomorrow’s World reporter Philippa Forrester and Dermot Morgan.

Morgan is the less-than-immaculate Father Ted in Channel 4’s off-the-wall comedy show, and to suggest that he is B-list borders on the blasphemous.

So, for this week, I shall retract that sweeping generalisation about the calibre of the guests, although I can’t help wondering whether it was the performance fee that tempted Father Ted.

Why else would he agree to humiliate himself to such a degree?

“I gather that you do impressions from The Godfather,” said Mike Smith. That being the umpteenth weak link in the show. “You also do an impression of the Pope,” added Smith.

Morgan nodded, and gave a half-hearted smile.

He was obviously trying to picture the pay-cheque.

“How about giving us Don Corleone meeting John Paul II,” laughed Mike.

Dermot Morgan obliged, at which point I felt truly embarrassed for him.

Yes, try as he might, Mike Smith just can’t master spontaneity and his unfortunate guests suffer because of it.

Wheeled on like performing seals, the panellists are expected to sing along to popular songs, answer banal questions about James Bond – “Who of Bond’s enemies had killer teeth?” – and guess film titles.

The clue to the title is gleaned from a pathetic prop and Philippa Forrester, a vegetarian no less, was shown a plate of bacon.

There are no prizes for guessing Babe and the celebrity guests didn’t get any prizes either, though they definitely deserved some form of compensation for appearing in this tack.

After listening to Adam and Babben struggle through Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody, things had really hit rock bottom.

Proving ultimately that the programme That’s Showbusiness has no business using that name.