Lashing Out (chapter 39 of 49, 8220 words)
Braska makes an ill-fated attempt at getting through the day without the aeons' help. Auron is determined not to forgive Jecht for last night's behaviour, but finds himself relying on his fellow guardian for support as his own mental state becomes increasingly unstable.
Read here on praze.net or here on archiveofourown.org, or read the whole fic so far as a PDF or an EPUB.
It's been a while since Auron was this badly disposed to Jecht! Kind of fun to write even though it's yet another symptom of his ongoing breakdown.
I think "a bad day" is a term that has gained a particular meaning for Braska and Auron after the past three years. By this point, though, Auron's support is a lot more physical than it once was.
I also enjoyed having Auron refer to "Lord" Braska when talking to Jecht – he's been comfortable enough around his fellow guardian to drop the Lord on most occasions for some time now, and to save it for when he's either talking to strangers or addressing Braska himself. So now that he's trying (briefly) to deny that he and Jecht were ever friends, he's talking to him in that way as well.
Jecht's "this is important" is a callback to chapter 2, when he was drunk and Auron was telling him about the necessity of keeping watch. Jecht is now the responsible one.
Spare a thought for the tent, the true victim of Auron's neglectful handling brought on by his declining mental state.
The PTSD has now evolved into its final form.
Braska offering to share the bed with Auron, once again totally normal platonic behaviour. Auron seems to have given up on any restraint he once had in the matter of kissing him, although it's one of the few activities that can distract him from the fact that he needs to find a way of saving Braska within the next few days.
I read a sociomedical article about men who had injured themselves by punching mirrors as research for writing this section, and the average age of the subjects was 25, very fittingly. I can't really remember what the findings were apart from "they injure themselves quite badly", so thank goodness for modern Spiran medicine, I guess!
RIP hand towel. Auron really has a vendetta against fabrics in this chapter.
I like the fact that Jecht's gone off for a walk (with a wee side of "draguer une fille") and taken the travel agency's entire stock of potions with him. There must be a lot of room in his pockets.
Auron is really anything but "steady" at this point, but Braska's like, "oh yes, my lovely guardian, there's no way he could suffer lasting effects from any kind of trauma, not like poor old pathetic me et cetera et cetera."
Braska bandaging Auron with the same bandage he has previously used on himself … incredibly intimate …
Auron doesn't want to tell Braska he's in love with him because he thinks Braska might not be non-homophobic enough to forgive him for it, and he doesn't want to tell him he's trying to find a way to save him because Braska would be disappointed that Auron is going against his orders, but he does still have the option of admitting that he's not having a good time more generally and doesn't take it – although it would probably be hard to explain that without touching on either of those two things, given that they're the main reasons. I suppose he also doesn't want to admit he's struggling because he knows Braska needs him to be strong when he himself can't be, which has traditionally been the case quite a lot of the time.
It's bros before hoes time for Jecht, although I guess in this case the bro is also … in some ways … a hoe (???).
The fact that Jecht still needs to find a way to get back to his Zanarkand has obviously escaped Auron's notice entirely. Meanwhile Jecht is now the most mentally stable of the group by a long way, but even in that position his attitude to his own worries is "must repress at all costs".
My "Auron's kinks" headcanon is as follows: 1. being told what to do; 2. being watched (hence his eventual arousal when Jecht walked in on him at the travel agency, but also a pretty tragic kink to have in a homophobic society); 3. pain.
"And I for them, as much as I'm able."
Which is to say, not very much.
Well done Braska, resisting the urge to traumadump to your seven-year-old daughter! Good job!
Yuna does seem to remember that he loves her, to be fair!
I think Yuna's heart is very much in the right place when she decides to take the pilgrimage (unlike her father's), and I do think she really does want to bring the Calm, but I also think she is probably subtly encouraged to become a summoner by some of the older and more devout inhabitants of Besaid (while the ones who are actually her friends try fruitlessly to talk her out of it). At the start of the light novel there's a lot of stuff about how she feels the duty to talk to the older islanders and try to give them spiritual guidance now that they can't follow Yevon anymire (as a result of her own actions), and it's an interesting insight into her relationship with the other people on Besaid and how bringing the Eternal Calm doesn't make everyone's problems go away immediately.
Braska has to give Auron explicit instructions on wound care because Auron is accustomed to having his battle injuries vanish almost instantly. I guess he should really also go through the whole "don't get it wet" routine, although it wouldn't really serve the narrative to include that in great detail.
Auron's neck has had a lot of attention in this story.
Jecht not so subtly hinting that it might be nice if Auron does something sexual to him one day and Auron just not even registering it … he's almost as bad as Braska. I'm sure Jecht won't take this as yet more proof that his companions don't really care about him, right? No need for any grand gestures, surely?